“North Dakota is really cold!!!”
That is what almost every person told me when they heard I would be at the University of North Dakota for my year of internship. I would then smugly tell each person that my first year of graduate school had been in Boston during the coldest winter the city had experienced in 27 years. So, I could obviously handle it. I was SO WRONG. There isn’t an adequate word for how cold it is in North Dakota. Sorry to everyone for the smugness.
My year in ND was difficult and not just because of the weather, though that was part of it. I had to learn to use my voice in situations that were truly painful. Additionally, the culture was so different than the one in which I was raised. I was often lonely and scared. It was a hard year. It was also a precious year. I gained a lifelong friend who honors me with her presence and trust. I had fellow interns who walked kindly with me. Some counseling center staff were kind and gave me foundational components for the way I do therapy. One was the woman who was in charge of our intern program, Rhandi. I can still remember what it felt like to sit in her office. The light filtered through the windows filling the space with warmth. She had this way of sitting with my questions and engaging with me so that I was both fully accepted and equally challenged. My time with her was a gift.
Often we, the interns, would have trainings or meetings with different people. One day, a staff member named Jim Murphy was providing the training. He was the center’s expert on addiction. Students LOVED him. He, like Rhandi, had this ability to fully accept someone and challenge them simultaneously. That day, I was worn out and less than thrilled about our time with Jim. My internal thoughts went something like this: “Why do I need to learn about addiction? I am not going to work with addicts.” (Please insert cackling laughter here. Spoiler alert: We are all a little bit addcit-y.) Then, Jim walked to the board and drew “The Two Sides of the Street.”
This is the best I could do on the computer. I am a therapist and a writer, not a visual artist.
And, as I looked at that drawing, my life as a person and as a therapist changed. I am not being dramatic. My brain lit up and I had a picture for the work I had been doing. He described life and the internal work of therapy in a way that changed almost everything for me.
The description that I give of this drawing goes something like this. There are two sides to the street. Your side and the other person’s side. On your side are your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. On his/her side are his/her thoughts, feelings and behaviors. You are not responsible or in charge or their side of the street. You are responsible and in charge of yours. The other person is not responsible or in charge of your side of the street. They are responsible and in charge of theirs. You have complete responsibility for your thoughts, your feelings and your behaviors. (Note: This is outside of abuse or victim situations. When somebody else has taken your choices, this does not apply. Do NOT apply this to true abuse and victim situations.)
I am betting up until this point you have all been nodding your heads in agreement. You think we are on the same page. The following statement is where most people start to get a little bit prickly and don’t quite agree anymore. People, outside of abuse/victim situations, cannot MAKE you feel. I repeat: other people cannot make you feel. They can communicate mean or even hateful things to you. They can be passive aggressive toward you. They can lie to your face. You will understandably have a lot of feelings about what they are saying or how they are treating you. But, they cannot MAKE you feel. Your feelings are your responsibility. Though that may feel scary or painful, this truth can be a huge foundational component of your healing process.
For this week, I would like for y’all to sit with this drawing and what you think and feel about this part of the description. It’s can be a lot to start to process. In our next post(s), I will write more about the drawing, how it applies to children, what else it can teach us, and how it can be used to understand codependency. However, for now, just sit with the drawing and the description. There is definitely more to come.
I want to end this post on a personal note. When I first thought about writing this post, I could not for the life of me remember Jim’s last name. So, I went to google to find it. In doing so, I found out that Jim died this past July. Eyes full of tears as I read the article. It has been 10 and a half years since my internship. I wish I had written him. I wish I had made that effort to reach out and thank him. To tell him that now, as I am in full time private practice, that I draw this drawing every week. Jim – thank you. You changed my life and the way I help others heal. You were so kind to me. Thank you for all that you did, how you lived and all the lives you changed. You were a light in the darkness.