In the desert of Arizona, I once attended a week long training. It was INTENSE. It was led by a woman named Pia Mellody. Look her up. She is a legend, if you will, in our field. She looks like your precious grandmother, who drops truth bombs, and maybe just a little cusses like a sailor. She is brilliant and wise, and I spent the week attempting to absorb all that was coming in my direction. You will read, in a number of posts, information that I learned in that time, and how I use it with clients. That starts now.
Pia’s model taught me a lot about how we process information. We have five senses that bring that information into our brains. We hear, see, touch, taste and smell things. We also have a sixth gut/intuition part that is more difficult to define. However, it brings information in as well. All of that information enters our brains. It then mixes with our history, experiences, and the way our brains are naturally wired. After the mixing has happened, the brain makes thoughts and then feelings. It happens at lighting speed. However, when we are able to operate in our full brains, we can break it down to be able to understand ourselves in a deeper way.
Here’s an example:
Part 1: A long time ago, in a land far away, I had a boyfriend. He was kind and I’m grateful for his place in my story. While we were dating, a friend of his attempted to convince him to break up with me and date her instead. He handled it very well. Soon after I learned of all of this, we ran into that “friend” at a party. She proceeded to run across the room, throw her arms around him and squeal his name. Again, he handled it very well. My senses brought in the picture of female arms around a male form. My ears heard the squeal of her voice saying his name. I am sure I was smelling things too but I can’t remember what they were.
Part 2: Not long after the run in at the party, my sister flew into town. My then boyfriend and I picked her up from the airport. When we greeted her, they hugged. And, again, my senses brought in the picture of females arms around a male form. No squealing this time. But, I am sure they all greeted each other verbally.
The Point: In both situations, my brain took in similar information. Female arms around a male form. Some sort of verbal greeting…though different. Once my senses (including my gut) took in the information, it mixed with my history, natural wiring etc. Then, in both situations my brain made up thoughts. In the first situation, my brain made up a thought something like this: “GIRRRLLLLLLLL…you had better get your hands off my man.” The feelings that followed were: anger and hurt. Based on my history of having been cheated on in relationships before, I also would have felt fear and lonely if he had not handled the situation so well. In the second situation, my brain made up the thought: “I am so grateful that my sister and my boyfriend are so kind to each other.” The feeling that followed was glad. Even though my brain took in similar stimuli, the thoughts and feelings that followed were VERY different. And, they would have been different also had they been going into someone else’s brain.
So, what does all of this mean and how to you incorporate it? This is one of those moments where I wish I was sitting with you in my office and could interact. But, alas, this is what we have. Here it goes.
When you have moments when you find yourself having a big reaction to something, try and slow yourself down and breathe. It is always a good choice to start with breathing. Then think to yourself, “Ok. This seems like a bigger reaction than normal. What did my senses take in? What is in my history that might mix with that to encourage such a big reaction? What in my natural wiring/personality does this also mix with?” Through this, you might be able to start to understand the roots of your reaction. Try it over the next couple of weeks. You don’t have to be able to do it in the moment. You can think about a situation later and just try your best to understand it. It took me a long time to be able to do a lot of this in the moment. And, I still can’t do that all the time. The process is important. Allow yourself to be in the process.
In the next post, we will cover the feelings a bit more. I know those can be a bit confusing. Plus people tend to have a lot of feelings about the feelings…
(Note ~ I know it has been a minute since my last post. I apologize for the delay. February brought us 4 weeks of houseguests , which was tiring and really lovely. Then, I led an intensive for some precious clients. Then, we threw a wedding shower. And, yes, to answer your question, I do need to spread things out a bit when I am scheduling them! I am working hard to get these posts out regularly. Please forgive me for February.)