As I told y’all in my last post, the Feelings list has been transformational for me. As was the drawing of the Sides of the Street. I am going to dive a bit more into feelings, and then we will go back to the Sides of the Street and combine what we have learned so far. That is where the moving away from co-depenency really gets good.
When you read more about the Feelings list (Chip’s in particular), he writes about the gifts and impairments of each feeling. Here is the chart of that:
This chart illustrates a truth that allows us to deepen our understanding of the beauty of each of the feelings. They start to come alive, as opposed to feeling that there is one “good” feeling and seven “bad” feelings. I would explain some of the gifts and impairments a bit differently. For example, with Loneliness, I would say that it can lead us to isolation (impairment) or can lead us to deeper relationship with self and others (gift). As we interact more with the list, we start to understand how each of these has a more specific and personal gift and impairment. That is a way that the list becomes transformational.
My sweet friend Ashley commented on Instagram about FEAR. So, let’s use fear as an example. When we have had any sort of trauma in our history, fear can take over. We become hyper-vigilant. Our brains scan for threatening data wherever we are. So, we can be sitting on our couch reading and it feels like our brain is telling us to run for the hills. That is when fear has moved into anxiety. However, if we have done some internal work and began to move into our full brain, we can start to listen to our internal fear. As we listen, we can learn from our history and also soothe ourselves in the present. Not easy but it is possible.
Here is an example from my story. When I started dating my husband, I experienced a LOT of anxiety (impairment of fear). As I mentioned before, I have a love addict history and historically chose men who were drowning in their issues. Because of that, I have some relational trauma around abandonment, being “too much and not enough,” etc. (We definitely do not have space for ALL of my issues here.) I had done a LOT of internal work before meeting Anthony, so I was finally able to choose someone who is a really good man. But, as we started dating, my internal life moved to consistent and persistent anxiety. That was jarring for me, as I don’t typically struggle with anxiety. During that season in my life, I had a new private practice, a mortgage and 2 needy dogs. I didn’t have time for anxiety. Yet, I had to make time for it. So, I would sit in my office at home, legs outsteched on my antique blue sofa and watch the birds out the window playing on the arbor. I would watch them for hours. I am not exaggerating. I would also journal often and one entry read, “Like a child who refuses to be comforted…that is what my insides feel like.” I felt as if my fear had taken over and it would ALWAYS be that way. But, it wasn’t. As I sat, I took the time to listen to that fear, to talk to those inner wounds and remind them of the truth of all the work we had done. I comforted them constantly…in the shower, in the car, during bathroom breaks at work. It was exhausting. And, it worked. My fear tried to move me into constant anxiety. But, because I had learned to sit with it, comfort it, and continue to learn from it, it eventually subsided. And, in that process, a deeper healing occurred. It was not easy. It took a lot out of me. And, it was worth every single second.
I feel that I should also mention that the safety of the relationship with my then-boyfriend, now-husband was a tether and a significant help during that time. I was able to talk to him about the fear and how it was taking over. Did I do that perfectly? NO. Is he perfect and always said the beautiful Hollywood scripted right thing. NO. I was a hot mess often and sometimes he was a big fat jerk. But, we kept trying and practicing honesty. It helped that we both had really good therapists. I remember one specific night when we were cooking together. It was about the middle of our dating relationship. I had started to realize how deeply I cared for him. There was music on and we were cutting vegetables. My breathing got shallow and quick. My brain started to throw thoughts, feelings, and memories at me. All I could think was that I could hurl myself out the window and run for the hills. Instead, I did the thing my therapist encouraged me to do. I turned to Anthony and told him in the messiest of words, what was going on inside of me. He smiled and said, “Ok. Want to hug it out?” (One moment when he absolutely nailed it.) So, we did. And we breathed together while hugging for a couple of minutes. And, the fear got quiet. It did not leave. But, it got very quiet. Then, he turned the music up a little and we kept cooking. I used my voice and my partner met me in my fear. That is a gift.
I realize that we don’t always have the option of that kind of partner. I would encourage you, as you are working on your internal life to find a safe person or two with whom you can show the internal crazy. If you don’t quite know what safe is, here are some thoughts. My safe people are the people who I can trust to say yes when they mean yes and no when they mean no. Who keep my secrets. Who give space for me to use my voice and practice using theirs. Who have shown me that their heart is good and trust that mine is too. We apologize to each other and own what is ours. We allow for the ebb and flow of life and relationship. None of us are perfect. But, we show up for each other in all the messiness and believe that each other is good. Notice who those people are in your life and then start having the difficult and deepening conversations. I had one with a friend yesterday. She asked me what I needed to feel loved in this season. I thought…talked a little about it…and then asked her the same in return. And, you know what? What we both really need in this season is for our messiness and neediness to be allowed but not thrown at the other person. We are both capable of dealing with our stuff and we do that work. And, it is lovely to have a friend love us, process with us, and walk with us (literally and figuratively) in that season…which I guess is really every season. Plus, she picked up my grocery order on the way to my house which CHANGED my day. Women friends can make the world go round. That is just true.
Why don’t you print out this list, or a couple of copies and leave them where you can see them. Make it the background of your mobile phone. Start listening to your internal life. What are you feeling? What is the history of that feeling and your experiences? Where is the root of this for you? Are you leaning more into the gift of the feeling or the impairment? Remember, this process takes time. Lots and lots of time. (Sorry, but it is true.) Give yourself the time. And, as always, consider whether or not you need a good therapist to help you on this leg of your journey.
In my next post, I am going to give you the way that I practiced this process. It is an easy daily practice. I hope it will be as powerful for you as it still is for me.
Until then…