The word Codependence gets thrown around a lot. There are two books that were fundamental for me as I searched to better understand Codependency. One is Facing Codependency, by Pia Mellody. The other is Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. I typically give my clients some information before they read either book. First, Pia describes anything less than nurturing as abuse. That can feel jarring as you read. My advice is to not throw the baby out with the bath water. She has some challenging information and you don’t have to agree with everything she writes. Second, Melody has a faith lens, so be aware of that. She has also written a lot of other books (Beyond Codependency, Language of Letting Go). If she resonates with you, you might want to look at her other books as well.
With my clients, I try to make Codependency a bit easier to understand. This is a good foundational component before deepening into more reading. I describe Codependence like this; Codependence is when you believe you are in charge of another adults’ thoughts, feelings and behaviors or that they need to be in charge of yours. And, sometimes, maybe not as strong as in charge of, but just partially responsible for. Often, when we believe this, whether consciously or subconsciously, we attempt to manipulate and control those around us. We can do it in service oriented ways (where they might not even be aware that it is happening), in silent rage ways (where everyone knows what we demand without us having to say a word), in emotionally abusive ways, in logically controlling ways…the list goes on and on. The basic test though is whether or not we own the truth that our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are our own responsibility and we honor that same in other adults.
As I wrote earlier in this series, this was difficult for me. My feelings are big and I deeply wanted somebody else to have to be responsible for them. So, I started to practice being responsible for my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Here is how I did it.
In the mornings, I would wake up and look at my feelings list. I had it printed out on paper at that time. Most of my clients now either have a printed list or have it in a list on their phones. I would look at the list and ask myself how I was feeling about the day in front of me. Fear? Gladness? Sadness? Loneliness? Anger? Guilt? Shame? Hurt? Then, I would take a moment to honor each feeling internally, and sometimes see if I could find where that feeling was connecting as a sensation in my body. Then, I would ask myself three questions: 1) What is mine to be responsible for today? 2) What is mine to let go of today because I am powerless in it (like the admiration and affirmation of others)? 3) With what do I need to ask for help today? Then, I would take a couple of minutes to sort through that. For me, I would then end with a reading in a devotional and some journaling time. This practice helped me to be responsible for what was mine to own and to attempt to let go of what wasn’t mine. It also continued to connect me to my community as I would ask for help.
The second part of the practice was at night. When I got into bed, after putting all of the lotion possible on my feet, I would return to my feelings list. I would ask myself, “What are you feeling about today?” Then, I would again take responsibility for what was mine and attempt to let go of what was not. I would pray over all of that and talk to God about my feelings and the struggle of not controlling or over-needing.
This is how I learned to move out of a deep relationship with Codependence. Now, do I still struggle? YES. Welcome to the planet. The struggle is worth it. I am proud of how far I have come. I truly try and have grace for myself on the days when I step back into old habits. I notice new ones that are evidence of deeper levels of Codependency. It is a lifelong journey. And, I am so much farther now than I knew was possible.
I encourage each of you to look at my practice and see if you can adopt it in a way that feels congruent for you. Now that I have a tiny human, my schedule looks different and I don’t have the time that I did when I developed this. That is true for most of us. Time can be a hindrance to a practice like this. So, find where you have time that you are already still. Like when you shower, drive, or even use the bathroom. Could you find a way to adopt this practice into moments like that?
In addition, use my definition and practice as a foundation for more discovery. Go read. Talk to your community. Talk to your therapist. Just find a way to deepen into this. You can do it.