Of all of the feelings on the feelings list, I think Anger is the most misunderstood. The majority of us were not shown or taught healthy anger, how to honor our anger or how to process through it in our relationships with other people. So, we stuff it, avoid it, pretend we don’t feel it and it festers deep in our soul until we find a way to numb it or we unleash it on to whatever or whomever is in front of us. Neither of those work, FYI.
Let’s talk about what Anger actually is. (Just a reminder that Voice of the Heart by Chip Dodd breaks down the feelings really well.) Here is how I describe Anger. Anger is a justice emotion. It tells us what our YES is and what our NO is. For example, when I am in a store and hear a caregiver shame and verbally abuse a child, my inside voice says, “NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” To scream at and shame a child is unacceptable. I am a strong believer in appropriate discipline. But, I feel angry and a big NO when I hear a caregiver treating a child in that way.
Another way of understanding Anger is to think of it as things we are ANGRY FOR, not ANGRY AT. We often “feel” like we are angry AT others. However, it is usually a bit more complicated that than. For example, in our personal relationships, we might be angry for respect, or angry for tenderness, or angry for patience. Angry for things in the relationship, not angry at the person.
Here is where RAGE can also come in. Allow me to explain. I describe Rage as what happens when a number of, or even all of, the feelings are happening at the same time. Our brains and souls can experience that as overwhelming. When we feel overwhelmed in that way, and Anger is one of the feelings involved, we often Rage. So, if you are feeling angry for respect in a relationship, and you also feel hurt and sad about the lack of respect, you might Rage. And, that rage will be based on the level of those feelings (whether they are smaller or larger) and how you personally express rage.
Rage can look like so many things. Often we think of it as abusive rage: throwing things, screaming, threatening another person. That is a different thing. The majority of us express Rage in more everyday ways. Some examples are: the cold shoulder, passive-aggressive communication, controlling withdrawal, condescending comments, silent rage. A good example of condescending comments would be the good ole’ southern woman talk: “Oh, you just don’t know any better. It is how you were raised, bless your heart.” (I am southern by the way so I can talk about us because I am one of us.) An example of controlling withdrawal would be if you tell a person off, even if you aren’t screaming, and you leave the situation directly after you have screamed, and not interacting with that person until you have decided you are “over it.” An example of passive-aggressive communication is when you tell someone that you are fine in a tone that tells them you are not, but you won’t tell them what you are feeling and why. There are many more and each of us has different ways in which we Rage. I encourage you to think about how you personally do. Think about what you do when your feelings feel big and overwhelming. How do you numb that, escape from that, and direct that at the person/situation about whom/which you are feeling?
Once you are able to figure out what feelings you are having, and what you are angry for, then you can start to figure out how you want to respond. If you think back to the sides of the street, you are separating out your thoughts, feelings and then deciding how you want to behave. And, remember this is a process. It does not happen overnight. Just keep engaging with it and working toward being fully responsible for yourself. That is the goal.
For me, this process has taken a long time. Also, in seasons of grief, struggle or pain, I do this more slowly. I wish that was different. I wish I could think through and work through conflict in my relationships quickly and kindly. It rarely works that way. I still get sweaty armpits and hot ears when I am discussing my feelings in conflict. I still rage sometimes. But, I have grown so much and that is worth celebrating. I also want to keep growing.
Last example…A couple of weeks ago, one of my dearest friends came in town to help us with childcare for our son. It was a rough week for me emotionally. Lots of turmoil in my family of origin and a large client emotional load that week. One night, I verbally snapped at my friend and my husband. It wasn’t a huge snap, and it wasn’t kind. I needed something from them, and instead of asking, I snapped. Internally, I was experiencing hurt and anger about my experience that they weren’t recognizing what I needed from them. And, in this situation, there was no way they could have known because I hadn’t communicated it. So, that night I apologized to my husband for snapping and for not communicating my need. The next day, I did the same with my dear friend. And you know what, the world did not end.
Which brings me to my next blog post. In it, I am going to cover what Amends is as opposed to just apologizing. It is something I have been learning about for the past 10 years and it has been profound in my work around conflict and feelings.
Until then…I hope each of you is becoming better acquainted with your thoughts and feelings, and more responsible for your words and behaviors. And, that you are confronting yourself on how you rage and working toward healthier ways of doing conflict.