It is the end of the world as we’ve known it…at least for a little bit. Are you feeling ALL the feelings? Are you feeling NONE of the feelings? Wherever you are on that continuum, there are many others right there with you, emotionally speaking. (Insert laugh track here.)
One of the questions coming from my clients has been, “How do I sit with all of these big feelings?” There is no one right way to do that. And, just like all things in life, you do the best that you can for the day that you are in. Some days you will have more to give to the process and some days you will have less.
The best way to sit with those big feelings, or if you are on the other side of that continuum, to notice the feelings you may be ignoring, is to get into daily rhythms. The state of the world right now is disruptive. All of our lives have been disrupted. In order to respond well to that, we will all need to learn how to develop new or different rhythms of daily life.
When doing deep therapy work, I typically tell my clients to make sure they are:
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eating good protein
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taking supplements and vitamins
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drinking lots of water
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getting time outside
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getting time for movement
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connecting with safe others
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getting both rest and sleep
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breath work and grounding
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practicing gratitude
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connecting with God (if that applies)
That criteria would be a good foundation for your revised daily rhythm. Figure out how you can incorporate the items above. And, remember that ALL of these will not typically get done in a day. Look at them in terms of a week. The water would be good to do everyday. Small parts of movement (like stretching) could be everyday. However, getting into nature or larger times for movement may only happen once to a couple of times a week. And, this is NOT about putting pressure on yourself to get all of the things done. This is about helping you to be kind to yourself (and those in your home if that applies) in ways that benefit you, not to shame you.
As you work to incorporate these, you will probably notice all the feelings coming up or that you feel a bit numb to all that is going on. Try and take some time to sit with what you are experiencing. Notice what you are feeling or try and find your feelings if you have been feeling numb. Remember that big feelings or big numbness are usually left over from experiences in our history that were hard or traumatic. Thank your inner self for how those feelings/coping skills helped you survive before. Comfort the places inside that are still scared, traumatized, hurting, confused, angry, etc. Your inner world has a right to those feelings or needed that numbness to survive. Those feelings need to be attended to and validated before you can ground yourself in truth. Without that step, the feelings just get bigger and more overwhelming. Remember that feelings are always valid. Coping skills are necessary. However, that does not mean that the feelings are true or that the coping skills work now. Often, feelings are not in line with current reality and the truth that you, as an adult, can navigate the situation you are currently in. In addition, old coping skills don’t work anymore, or don’t work well. And, we need to have gratitude for those old coping skills while also moving forward to healthier ones.
A daily practice to address the above might go something like this. Sometime between breakfast and dinner, take 15 to 30 minutes to focus on your feelings and process through them. You want to do it in that time frame as it may be too activating to do so at night as you are attempting to prepare for sleep. An example of how that could be structured is below:
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What am I feeling? (Hurt, Angry, Lonely, Sad, Guilt, Shame, Fear, Glad)
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What are those feelings related to currently and in my history? (Process through that a bit)
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Validate my feelings and comfort myself
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Tell the truth to the feelings (Ex: Though I am feeling lonely, I am not alone. I do have people who love me and care about me. Even if they can’t be with me right now and/or if they are not available through technology.)
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Figure out what you need in yourself, in the physical, and in relationships to help you to address your needs.
Once you have worked through that process, you can place those feelings to the side and continue on with the other rhythms of your day. There is the possibility that, with some feelings or on some days, it may be too hard to do this. This is when you healthfully distract. Go for a walk. Talk to a friend. Read a funny book or watch a funny show. Take a shower or a bath. Basically do whatever will help you to get out of that loop and back into your current reality.
I want to note one thing about this current global experience. We are all in it together. We are all experiencing this difficulty. And, we are all going to need to grieve some to get through it well. I will be addressing grief and gratitude in my Stillness post, but our kind friend Ben sent us this article yesterday, and I think it addresses the grief portion so beautifully. Is is an interview with David Kessler, who is basically a grief expert, and I believe it will help each of you. Here is the link: https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief?fbclid=IwAR0JxBoY6tICzwElIDHwjsDi7ZxWS9hXBrGPL37LWgcNX0Mb2Wkh4sk5UdA.
My thoughts on Stillness and Joy are still to come.
Onward…Berrylin