The first time somebody was adamant that others couldn’t “make” me feel, I cried. Ugly cried. I was in emotional pain and I couldn’t see a way out. Others had the power and I didn’t know what to do. To be clear, it wasn’t abusive power. Just authority in the hierarchy of the university in which I was working. As I got off the phone, I didn’t feel encouraged or helped. I felt abandoned and hurt. She obviously didn’t know what I felt or how “bad” it was. She didn’t care. That is what I thought. Truth was, she did know. She did understand. And, she cared enough to tell me the truth. It was just a truth that I couldn’t understand yet. (Note the “couldn’t” there. We will come back to that.). In that moment, Jim’s drawing didn’t pop into my head. I didn’t think about sides of the street or my responsibility. I just cried. My heart hurt and I needed somebody to show me the way out.
You may be in a similar place today. Your pain, feelings and difficulties are real and valid. I wish I could sit with you, look you in the eyes and tell you that. As you read the last post, you have probably had a number of feelings and thoughts about the idea that other people cannot “make” you feel. Because when we are in the middle of the pain, it often feels like others are in charge of our feelings. Truth be told, the reality of that simple drawing is more complicated than I indicated in my last post. A bit of understanding and relief is coming. Hold tight.
Before we get more to the complication, there are a couple of caveats around the truth of the sides of the street. I want to address those today. The first is trauma. The field of neuroscience has been busy. We know so much more about trauma now than we did even 10 years ago. And, with the way research is growing in this area, the knowledge will continue to increase. For now, here is what I want to make clear. Whether you have had little “t” traumas, or big “T” traumas, your brain is effected. Neurologically speaking, it is really tough, and sometimes impossible to stay in your full brain and think through the truth of the sides of the street. So, if you feel like you can’t access your brain at times to take the responsibility that you need to take, you are probably right. And, it is STILL your responsibility to find and receive help. There is more coming on trauma in this Basics series. Until we are able to dive more into that, please read and think about the concepts and apply them to the times when you are able to be mostly in your full brain. (If you don’t know what I mean by “full brain,” that explanation is coming too. Simple description is that if you feel like you are in any version of fight, flight, freeze or your feelings feel like they have taken over your ability to think, you are not in your full brain.).
The second caveat is children. Children do not have a full brain yet. Their brains are not fully formed and myelinated (more on that too later) until late teens to early twenties. Due to this, children cannot fully grasp or neurologically experience that other people cannot make them feel. That truth requires an accessible full brain. As adult caregivers, it is our responsibility to slowly teach children all of this. To teach them how to slow down, understand their thoughts, feel their feelings and be in charge of their behaviors. If we teach them that consistently, they will be able to walk in the truth of the sides of the street once their brain is fully developed.
The third caveat is marriage. To be honest, this one is more of a situation than a caveat. The reality of sides of the street in marriage is that it can feel like your streets are right on top of each other. They aren’t but it can feel that way. For me, staying on my side of the street with my husband is HARD. It puts on display all of my selfishness, control issues and how I want him to change without me having to do the same. My marriage is a consistent mirror of how I need to consistently live in and practice these truths.
These caveats (and situation) are important to keep in mind as you read through the further explanation on the sides of the street. You cannot apply the truths to children, and it is your responsibility to help them learn. Depending on the level of trauma, these truths are inaccessible at times. And, in our marriages (or even closest relationships) these truths can be deeply difficult to practice. Yet, in all of these, the truths held within that simple drawing are still life changing.
Coming up, we will dive into how this drawing can be used to understand codependency. Then, we will look at how we practice the art of living on our own side of the street and encouraging others to do the same. As always, I invite your comments and emails.