Basics No. 9: Conflict and Amends

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(NOTE: Faith incorporated throughout post.)

In my last post, we dove into the difference between Anger and Rage. Revisit that if you have forgotten. I get that it’s been a while.

In this post, I wrote that I want to help y’all to understand some ways to approach conflict and what exactly “Amends” is. Just like most of us were not taught how to process through/understand/express our feelings, we were also not taught how to handle conflict. For me, and the majority of my clients, doing conflict well is a journey and never quite becomes easy to do. There are some individuals on the planet that really like conflict but they typically don’t know how to do it well either.

So, how exactly do we do conflict well? I am so glad you asked.

The basis of conflict needs to be this: Honor God. Honor Others. Honor Self. In your process of dealing with conflict in relationships, remember that God created the person in front of you. That person bears the Image of God. It’s what sets us humans apart from the rest of creation. It is majestic, humbling and mind-blowing. And, sadly, it can be easy to forget (for me too). When we feel harmed by someone, we can feel a pull to vilify them, to make them less than human so we can rage at them and dump all of the responsibility and “fault” on to them. Some of us go in another direction. We forget that we are also made in the Image of God. We get small and over-apologize. We take all the “blame.” We fall down into a deep shame spiral and struggle to find our way out. Neither of these ways of engaging in conflict honors God, self or the other person. So, the place to start is to remind yourself that both you and the other person bear the Image of God. If you are not a person who shares my faith, here is another way to think of that. The person in front of you is a human, just like you. They have a story, a family, a history, thoughts, feelings and dreams. You don’t have to like them, understand them, or want to be around them to respect that they are also human. To be honest, respecting them is really more about who YOU are than who THEY are. I forget this sometimes.

So, step one is to start with honoring. Then, move into understanding yourself. What happened? Does this situation feel easy or difficult to work through? Try and assess what it is tied to. Did you have similar experiences/feelings in another season of life? Is this something that happens often in this relationship? Do you feel like your reaction is congruent with what happened or larger because of what you have experienced in your history? Remember to breathe and ground yourself if you are in a significantly heightened state. And remind yourself that conflict is tough for lots of us. You are not alone.

For me, if something triggers my personal trifecta of feelings (loneliness, hurt and fear), and the situation feels similar to things that have significantly hurt me in the past, I have a harder time at processing. I get stuck. My underarms get sweaty and my ears get red hot. I lose my words, which is disorienting considering that I talk for a living. So, when that happens, I try and SLOW DOWN. I am not going to be able to process in the moment with the other person. I need some space. Once I have been able to breathe (and probably cry), I can think through the above questions (and I am sure a couple more), and figure out what I want to communicate.

Which brings us to what Amends is. “Making Amends” is one of the beautiful things that has come out of the Recovery Community. In the Twelve Steps, it is housed in steps 8 and 9:

  • Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

  • Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

As I listened to people talk about their process of Amends, and began to practice it myself, I started to teach it to my clients, whether they were in recovery or not. It truly is a beautiful way to BE in relationships.

Here is what I teach…let’s start with how you engage with the Amends Process if you are coming to someone to apologize for a behavior or behaviors that were inappropriate.

  1. The Apology part: When you figure out that you have done something that has hurt and/or harmed another person, spend a bit of time figuring out what exactly you want to apologize for. “I am so sorry for how I spoke to you last week. I used mean words and dumped all of my anger on you. I wish I had been able to tell you what I was feeling and experiencing. “ (Side note: Stop apologizing for how other people feel. Saying, “I’m sorry that you feel that way,” is not an apology. It’s emotional manipulation and takes ZERO responsibility for your part. If you don’t think you anything for which to apologize, SAY THAT. It is more respectful and honest.)

  2. The Question Part: “Would you feel comfortable sharing with me what that situation was like for you?”

  3. LISTEN TO THE ANSWER

  4. The Follow-up Part: “Ok. Just to make sure we are on the same page, what I’m hearing you say is [repeat what they said as closely as possible]. Did I get it?”

  5. LISTEN AGAIN

  6. Then, either move on to the next part OR keep going through Follow-up and Listening until the other person confirms that you have in fact “gotten it.”

  7. The Second Apology: “ I hear what you are saying and I truly am sorry. Thank you for talking to me about it.”

  8. The Amends Part: “What would you like from me going forward for you to see that I am addressing this?” Building off of the above example, you the person might answer, “I would like you to stop using your mean words and dumping your anger on me. And, if you find it hard in the moment, please ask for a break from the conversation. I will do my best to respect that and wait until you can come back around.” Then, you might say, “I will truly work on that. I won’t get it right but I am going to work hard on it. And, I will check in with you as I work on it.”

  9. The Second Follow Up Part: “Is there anything else that we need to cover about this?” Then, if there is nothing else, you end with, “Thank you for talking with me about this. I really appreciate it.”

The listening, following up and trying to be different going forward are what make the Amends process different than just apologizing. Knowing we did something inappropriate and being willing to apologize and take responsibility is beautiful. But, it’s not enough. It needs more…it needs to be a process of making Amends.

If there was responsibility on both parts of a situation, you can just flip this and the other person can then take responsibility for their part. That is a large part of what I do in couples therapy.

Now let’s look at how you engage with the Amends Process if you are coming to someone asking them to apologize for a behavior or behaviors that you experienced as inappropriate.

  1. Bringing it up: When you figure out how to communicate (more of this below) what you experienced as hurtful and/or harmful from the other person, ask their permission to talk about it. It might go something like this, “Hey…I am having a tough time with our conversation from the other day. Would you be open to talking about it?” If they are open to discussing it, then you proceed to the above list. If they aren’t, you ask them to let you know when they are willing to talk about it.

  2. The Description Part: “I feel hurt, angry and fear about how you spoke to me last week. My experience is that you used mean words and raged at me.”

  3. Wait and see if they take responsibility and apologize.

  4. If the do take responsibility: “Thank you so much. If I could ask for something going forward, I would appreciate it if you would stop doing that. And, if you find it hard in the moment, please ask for a break from the conversation. I will do my best to respect that and wait until you can come back around.”

  5. If they do NOT take responsibility: Talk about your different experiences and see if you can come to a compromise position where you both feel like you were heard and seen in the process. If none of that works, you need to consider whether or not this is a good relationship to be in. If it is your significant other or a family member, that is a good time to talk about doing therapy together.

Will most of your conflict conversations go this way. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. But, I find it really helpful to have a model to build off of.

From number one above: One of the main components of brining up the conversation to the other person, is figuring out how you want to do that. And, a lot of that depends on what you have margin for. Here is what I mean…Would it be great if I could consistently verbalize what I was experiencing when it was happening? YES. Can I typically do that? NO. Though I often am a verbal processor, I am not usually able to do that in conflict. I need time to process through my feelings (which are often very BIG at first), figure out what it relates to, and then what part I want/need to communicate with the other person. I value my relationships deeply. I am typically not going to say something that is hurtful. I will wait and think and process so I don’t say anything in the heat of the moment that I cannot take back. Once I have worked through all of that, I move into what I am going to do. Sometimes I am able to talk about it. I will usually send a text or an email to ask the other person if they have time soon to talk about the situation. In the email or text, I include a very short description of what I want to talk about. Then, if they are open to it, I try and set up a time to talk. This allows me to make sure I am fully present when we talk. Other times I do best if I can write it all down, send that to the person and then process once they have read it. The difference between which one I choose with each situation has to do with how my life is going, how much emotional/mental energy I am expending, and how comfortable I feel processing conflict with that person. For each conflict situation, we all need to work through a similar process in order to give ourselves and the other person the best chance at a respectful outcome.

The ugly truth about all of this is that we never know how the other person will choose to work through conflict. We do the very best we can on our side of the street. That is what we have to give. And, to be honest, sometimes both sides give the best they have to give and it’s still hard and doesn’t go well. Just do your very best, and keep growing as an adult so that your best keeps getting better. We are all in process. Nobody has arrived. Even Brenee Brown. (At least I’m mostly positive she hasn’t.)